The Prophet’s (PBUH) guidance for ensuring peace in family

Dr. Muhammad Isa Shahedi

The foundation of human civilization begins with the family. The Holy Quran describes this sweet chapter of human life with a blend of art and philosophy: “And among His signs is this: He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you love and mercy. Surely in this are signs for a people who reflect.” (Surah Ar-Rum, verse 21.)

According to this verse, the two core elements underlying the foundation of human civilization are love (mawaddah) and compassion-mercy (rahmah).

In Islam, a man and woman enter the bond of marriage with Allah as witness, and upon them descends the heavenly gift of love and compassion. From this gift is built a loving family, a beautiful household, and a civilized society.

Yet a single curse can destroy and shatter this family, household, and the very foundation of human civilization, reducing hopeful dreams to dust and casting children’s futures into darkness. Under the dazzling glitter of modern civilization today, families are burning in this hellish torment because of that very curse. A child does not know who his father is; his identity is registered under his mother’s name alone, with no father’s name on his ID. Father’s Day is observed to console children without fathers. As such a child grows up, he thinks: a man and a woman once had their fun, and that’s how I or we came into this world — so, to enjoy life, we too must follow that same path.

A journalist, describing an evening amusement park in a European country, wrote that as the sun’s heat fades, hundreds of elderly people come to the park, each holding a leash — with a beloved pet dog at the other end, the sole companion of a lonely life. The idea being that if they die one day alone in their luxury flat, at least the body won’t rot and smell before being found — the dog will bark, the police will come, and the body will be given a proper burial. The dog is their last hope in life.

In our country, in cities and villages, elderly men and women live out their days in supreme contentment, surrounded by daughters-in-law and grandchildren — a fact one can truly appreciate only after hearing the sorrowful, sighing stories of neglected elderly people abandoned in old-age homes by modern, Western-educated sons and daughters raised in the capital’s elite neighborhoods.

The curse being spoken of here is mutual distrust and suspicion between husband and wife. This distrust, suspicion, and curse is born from extramarital affairs or attraction to someone outside the marriage. This is the root of all problems in life and household. For this reason, the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) closed off this path through extremely strict rulings, declaring any sexual relationship outside marriage as zina (adultery/fornication) and prescribing severe punishment for it. The Holy Quran warns of this curse: “And do not approach zina. Indeed, it is an immorality and an evil way.” (Surah Bani Isra’il, verse 32.)

Only those whose lives remain untouched by the sin of infidelity or adultery can truly grasp the meaning of the love and mercy granted by Allah.

Minor discord or sulking between husband and wife is natural. In some cases, a wife’s flaw may loom disproportionately large in her husband’s eyes, souring married life. For such situations, Allah has opened up a perspective for the husband to consider. The Holy Quran says: “Live with them in kindness. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing in which Allah has placed much good.” (Surah An-Nisa, verse 19.)

A hadith explains this verse as follows: “Let no believing man hate a believing woman (his wife) entirely; if he dislikes one trait of hers, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim, Hadith 1469.)

If a wife becomes truly disobedient, the Prophet has laid out a path for resolving it through discipline: he said to show displeasure toward the wife, and if necessary, separate the beds, but one may not go and spend the night outside the home. If the wife is truly disobedient, one may discipline her, but is not given the right to strike her on the face. If the relationship reaches the brink of breaking down entirely, arbitration should be arranged through two understanding people from each side. Remember, divorce is a path that is highly disliked by Allah among the available options.

Questions can also arise in married life over the relative importance of husband or wife. Allah has resolved this by defining each one’s role and significance: “They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” (Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 187.)

Clothing protects a person from winter and summer and the effects of climate, safeguards privacy, reveals the body’s beauty, and, fourthly, presents one’s personality and dignity to society. Allah says that husband and wife will play an equally important role in each other’s lives, like clothing. This significance is expressed differently in a hadith: “Each of you is a guardian and each of you will be asked about those under his care… A man is the guardian of his family and will be asked about them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s house and children and will be asked about them…” (Bukhari, Hadith 2554; Muslim, Hadith 1829.)

To understand the roles of husband and wife in the family in light of the Quran and Hadith, let us take an analogy. If we compare a family to a company’s industrial factory, the husband is like the company’s chairman — responsible for external affairs, business expansion, and marketing of products — while the wife is responsible for the factory’s internal management, production, and workforce and operations. In other words, the husband is the chairman of the family, and the wife is the manager.

At some point in a household, the moon descends from the sky and sways in the mother’s lap — that little “moon” that lights up and fills the whole family with joy. The beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also gave guidance on how to welcome this heavenly guest. The newborn’s hair should be shaved and its weight given in silver or gold, or its equivalent value, as charity. A beautiful name should be chosen for the child in keeping with Allah, the Prophet, and Islamic tradition. A reception should be arranged to welcome the new guest, with hospitality for relatives who come to share in the joy — this occasion is called aqiqah.

After these formalities, the parents must take up the responsibility of shaping the child’s future — molding their manner, character, and personality, and nurturing their life along their natural inborn disposition (fitrah), so that in the future they become worthy of fulfilling the Great Creator’s will and plan on earth.

The Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Every child is born upon fitrah (natural disposition); it is his parents who make him a Jew, a Christian, or a fire-worshipper.” (Bukhari, 2658; Muslim, 1358.)

A child is a great blessing given by Allah. Some may think a son is a blessing while a daughter is a burden. But the Prophet of Allah (peace be upon him) said, in more than one hadith, that a daughter is like a piece of paradise, and warned: when it comes to affection and gifts, do not favor sons over daughters.

Not everyone in a family earns an income, nor is that always possible. Many families may have widows or helpless, disabled members. No one should consider them a burden. The Prophet of Allah said, “You are helped and granted provision because of your weak ones” — meaning the weak among you have an unseen role behind your sustenance and your successes or victories. (Ahmad: 21731; Tirmidhi: 1702; Abu Dawud: 2594.)

The biggest problem in family life often arises in old age — at the far end of life, when youth is a memory, income is gone, illness makes one feel like a burden even to oneself, and temperament turns irritable, leaving one with no choice but to become a burden on others. For this situation, Western civilization’s only solution is the old-age home, where one slowly moves toward death.

The solution Islam has offered for this problem is something Muslims can still take pride in before the world today. Consider Bangladesh’s social system: we may lack material abundance, but we have generous hearts. Here, grandparents surrounded by daughters-in-law and grandchildren live a life that feels like a gathering in paradise. This family and household, sheltered under the loving care of parents, is a dream for the Western world. Our society has received this blessing from the teachings of Allah and His Prophet. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Your parents are your paradise and your hell. If your parents are pleased with you, your paradise is assured; otherwise, hell awaits you.” He also said, “Paradise lies at the feet of the mother” (i.e., a child’s path to paradise runs through devotion to parents).

Allah has spelled out, letter by letter, how one must behave toward parents at every moment, especially in old age. It has been decreed: “Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be good to your parents. Whether one or both of them reach old age in your lifetime, do not say to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy, and say: My Lord, have mercy upon them as they raised me when I was small.” (Surah Bani Isra’il, verses 23-24.)

Let us bring these teachings of Allah and His Messenger into our mosques, religious gatherings, education systems, curricula, and textbooks, so that family life may be built in the spirit of paradise.

The writer is the Ameer, Islami Oikya Andolon.